EASY 10 points? just read my story and leave comment and tips?

please read this. i am writing a story for fun please leave honest comments and tips



I remember…wind licking at our faces, the sun shining intensely. I, Grace Whitman, was just 10 years old… it was on this day my happy life came to an abrupt halt. My dad, Peter, suggested that we should go to the beach, together. My mother and I were playing in the sand, as she built a sandcastle we would sit and watch the water eat it away. We glanced down the beach; the sun seemed to be painting a picture for our eyes to feast on. “Dolphin! Dolphin!” We gazed up to see my little brother Charlie splashing in the waves. My mother managed a frown and raised an eyebrow. My mother ran over gracefully, but quickly, and snatched him up out of the water. Looking disappointed Charlie glanced over at dad. “What’s the matter?” He said lowering his sun glasses. “I saw a dolphin!” “It wasn’t a dolphin, Peter,” mother said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Honey,” he said getting up from his seat “why don’t you let him dream a little?” Father’s hair swirled about him madly, looking like a chocolate colored tumble weed. He strided over to Charles and put him easily back in the water. Charlie continued his pursuit toward a hermit crab, going farther out. “There see?” father said. And upon saying this he gazed up at Charles, his eyes shining. Then he noticed a shadow, moving about menacingly a few feet from Charles. Instinctively father dove into the water, picked Charles up, and hurled him toward the shore. The shadow sped vigorously toward father. And in less than a second something had him. The aqua water was suddenly a dark crimson where father was standing. Swimming in a panicky fashion, he tried to head to shore. My mother could do nothing but sit at the waters edge and watch in despair. “Hurry!” She yelled angrily at him. Father was weak from swimming, “He’s got me now,” he said exhaustedly still panicking. “No please don’t leave me!” mother shouted. Her eyes were brimming over with tears and she stared at him intensely, lovingly. Father’s face grew hard and reddened, as he looked at her he inhaled and punched the shark’s nose with all his strength. The shark sped away, there were others, but for now the coast was clear. His eyes grew tired and he fainted, head slamming against the water as he fell. Mother ran to him and dragged him on shore. The sand was now crimson as well, some coral must have scraped his back on the way in. My brother and I stared at our bloody mess of a Father, too young to understand. Knowing what mother would want of me, I convinced my brother to go shell hunting with me. Mother threw a thanking glance in my direction. I nodded my head and went on. I stopped at a nearby pile of shells, letting my brother sift through them. He seemed worried but didn’t speak. I looked back and an ambulance was parked on the sand. They put father on the stretcher and zoomed away. Mother gently picked up his sunglasses and placed them on her head. She stroked Charles’s bleach blonde hair and picked him up. She cradled him and I watched in amazement as he drifted to sleep. She looked up at me, her soft golden hair resting on her shoulders. “Is father okay?” I asked in a low voice. “I – I don’t know.” She said in a whisper, trying to fight tears. Mother coolly walked to where our car was parked. A cute little yellow Pontiac, which reminded me of a big banana. She placed Charles in the backseat, looking at him thoughtfully. I stared out the window at palm trees flying past us. I stared blankly at the road and calmly asked where we were going. “Home for now.” “What about father?” “The paramedic team said that they would call when he’s ready to come home.” “I don’t want to visit, it may be too much on Charles.” Mother focused her rear view mirror toward Charles. He sighed and was holding his arm in a strange position. “Mother,” I said pausing to turn toward her “I think his arm is hurt.” “No. He’s fine. He’s probably in the “sucking the thumb” position.” This was a good excuse since he was only four.

EASY 10 points? just read my story and leave comment and tips?
Wow, I read every single bit of it and it was great. You have outstanding descriptive language and you know how to create a tenseful situation without giving away too much. I loved the story you have and I got so hooked into reading it I thought I was reading an actual book! When you are done with this story do you think you can send it to me via email, because I really like it! The only thing I would recommend you change would be that between two people talking, after the quotations you need to say who spoke that line, because sometimes (like at the end) you forgot that. ex: "_____" she said softly. Instead of jumping into the next line. Otherwise, it's amazing and good job that must've took a lot of work! =]
Reply:I really like the beginning. What I don't care for is the fact that clearly they saw a shark.... and then got back in the water? If a shark is that close to the shore... you wouldn't jump back in, let alone put your child back into the water!! That's just stupid to me. Also, a child of 10 would most likely panic, as would the younger child.... not take a walk. I also don't like all the talk between "mother %26amp; father" as the father is caught by the shark. I don't feel there would be enough time for all that... more panic. And the mother saying "don't leave me".. she'd probably be screaming for help or saying NOOO!!! I'm not too sure one punch would loosen the sharks grip either.

Sorry, but it's constructive critism and you asked. Just trying to help. Like I said... I really like the beginning (before they get back into the water) Good luck!
Reply:I think it would make a good story, if you finished it, but it is so full of horror. Why?? Did this actually happen?? I was really into the story and then you stopped.



I would like to read the rest of the story when you finish it. Would you send me a copy of it?? Let me know when you are done, and I will send you my e-mail address. Actually my e-mail is in my profile.
Reply:I would, but I'm feeling EXTRA lazy right now though.



Put it on www.fictionpress.com
Reply:That's a pretty good story. You use very descriptive words. :]
Reply:This story is really good! I have never seen nobody write a good story like this one! Keep up the good work!
Reply:dude...hell NO.
Reply:Dude.... no
Reply:awsome
Reply:yaits good i would say so threw it and change the words you use alot like shining crimson glancing and other stuff like that buit its pretty goss i'm a story writer myself.

oh and also i would say to add mopre detail and make this part longer but ya its great



good luck

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