Would anyone like to review my short story (part 1 of 2)?

It's about the deterioration of my city.

Part 1



I went to the library on Monday. It was dusk, and the moon, hiding behind the grey fading day, was waiting for its big takeover. As I stepped off the sidewalk of granite and gum stains a wiry man, with hair of straw and sand approached me. He was agitated and his clothes (some slim, old jeans and a big Chicago Bulls shirt that looked liked a bedsheet on him) had the odor of long-unwashed laundry.

"Hey, man. What's up?" he asked me.

"Nothing." After a long pause, sizing him up, it was clear this was all i had to say and he became a little more frazzled. He looked as though he was trying to clear bugs from his skin.

"You need any whites, bud?"

"What, like crack?"

"Yeah, yeah." He seemed to be liking me now.

"No, I don't need any crack." And we were back to an awkward square one.

"You need any weed?"

"No."

Rain had begun to fall. He had failed his sale and had hurried down the street, around a corner and gone.

Would anyone like to review my short story (part 1 of 2)?
Good so far. I'd carry on reading.

I think you need to pay a bit more attention to detail though. Here are a few things I picked out.



"He looked as though he was trying to clear bugs from his skin."

What does that MEAN? What does a person doing that look like? How about "His hands flapped across his face, as if clearing invisible bugs from his skin"?



"I understand that. What's this about?" sounds pretty calm to me, so why does the officer 'demand' "Hey, calm down"? This doesn't really flow. Something like "Then what the hell's this about?" would better demand this response.



"As I stepped off the sidewalk of granite (granite? Really? A granite sidewalk??) and gum stains a wiry man, with hair of straw and sand approached me." This seems a little over-descriptive. Over-poetic. Too many adjectives starts to sound silly, and personally I'd tone this down to something like "As I stepped off the gum-stained sidewalk a wiry man with hair like straw approached me."



Hope this helps. Good luck with your writing.
Reply:But he doesn’t come across as overzealous just from that line; maybe add more detail to show it.The bugs image isn’t clear either; it made me stop and wonder what it meant and you don't want readers distracted like that.All CONSTRUCTIVE criticism though; good luck finishing a great story!And thanks! Report It
Reply:Hmmmm....? Not too bad. You have very good descriptions of everything. Very good word choice and imagery. I don't know if it is because I know so little about your story, but it seems to lack a plot. Try to direct your readers in a direction and force them to take a viewpoint. Your direction is a little vague. But again that is just my opinion. Anyways, keep practicing your writing skills. You are yet to become a writer.
Reply:Not bad. I'd like to read the second part. You've caught my attention with your story. Practice makes perfect. Good Luck.

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