Would you read this?

I am writing a novel about a girl named Story and her boyfriend Muse. The bf tells Story that the gods are just imaginary friends. Story asks Loki to prover him wrong. So loki leaves a bag of magic-laced weed, which both her and her bf smoke. Loki takes over the bf and uses his body and Story's imagination to end the world. Again. Anyways, this is a scene from when Story is introduced to all the gods living on earth.

They walk to the table and take their seats.



Story opens her menu and looks at Lokke in disgust.



“I can cook anything on here for half the price in half the time. Just so you know.”



Lokke toys with his glass of water. “My dear, one does not eat out for the food alone. Ambience is everything in the world of fine dining. The linens, the little penguins with their trays of beautifully arranged plates, and most of all, the other diners. A restaurant is theater, entertainment. Strangers, to watch. Ugly people in outfits they have no business wearing. Fat people who order a whole roast pig and a Diet Coke. Theater at it’s finest.” His gaze wanders to the plain man in the corner.



“So what, is this some kind of date? Do you think just because you’re in his body, that I’ll **** you? That you can just buy me dinner and throw in a few witty jokes and suddenly I just start liking you again? **** that.”



Lokke grins. “My dear, I can get goddesses. Why would I ever even consider a sniveling, mortal brat like yourself?”



Story, despite her anger, was offended. “What, didn’t you just tell me that’s what I’m to become, a goddess? I’m not good enough for you?”



Lokke grins bigger. “No you’re not. Sorry. And I’m not buying you dinner, I stole your bank card. Now shut up and let daddy work, okay?”



Lokke raises his hand to hail a waiter.



“Yes, sir, are you ready for something to drink. An appetizer, maybe?”



Story kicked Lokke under the table. “Yeah, he’ll have a big glass of shut the **** up. With a twist of lime.”



The waiter raised his eyebrows at her, then turned to Lokke as if to say ‘ and what are you going to do about this’.



Loki motioned for him to lean closer and whispered in his ear “Poor thing just lost her boyfriend. Awful tragedy, left her crazy, you see. Total schizo, and a drunk, besides. I’ll try and keep her under control, okay buddy?”



The waiter nodded. “Wine, sir?”



“Pinot Noir, the whole bottle, and two glasses.”



“Very good, sir.”



When the waiter was out of sight, Lokke kicked back, hard.



“JESUS ******* CHRIST!” Story yelled out, grasping her leg.



Lokke giggled silently. “Oh, dear. I’m so sorry. Was that your gimpy leg? My bad.



The man in the corner noticed the couple now. Oh yes. And he was walking their way. The waiter had also returned, and gave Story a smile of pity as he poured the wine.



The man stood behind Story and cleared his throat loudly. “Excuse me ma’m, but do keep your outbursts to yourself. SOME of us are trying to keep our dinner a bit more…low-key.”



Story had been in the middle of a big gulp of wine when he said it. Helpless to stop it, she sprayed the fine red wine all over Lokke’s nice white suit as she laughed loudly, throwing in an unladylike snort for good measure. The waiter promptly brought Lokke a damp towel and club soda, and brought her a bib.



Lokke dabbed at his suit, calm as can be. “Puns, Story, are the lowest form of humor.” He glanced up at the man behind her. “Sheep-lover”



The man raised his eyebrows. “Goat-******”.



Lokke stood and shook his hand. “Fancy meeting you here. So, how’s Heaven.”



The man tightened his grip. “Fine. How’s your mom?”



Lokke released his hand. “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask your dad?”



Lokke pulled out a chair for the man, and he sat as well. The waiter returned with a pitcher of ice water.



“Water, sir?”



The man’s eyes smiled for him. “Wine, actually.”



“Very good sir.”



“So, why did Laufey win when they moved Survivor to Norway?” The man looked at Story when he asked this, and winked.



“I don’t know. Why are you sitting here, again?” Story finished her second glass of Pinot.



“Because she couldn’t get voted off the island!” The man began to laugh, but it died on his lips as he saw the blank stares facing back at him.



“She’s an island….she couldn’t get voted off…aw, **** it, man. You all have no sense of humor.”



The waiter was back, eager to take their order before Story got to her third glass.

“Are we ready to order, then?”



Story spoke first, “I’ll have a salad. By salad I mean lettuce, tomato, onion and cheese. With ranch dressing. Lots of it.”



Lokke looked at her with disgust. “I find your attitude no longer a-musing, love. Ranch dressing, indeed!”



He turned to the waiter. “The lady and I will have the Kobe sirloin with the truffle infused au jus, and the gratin of summer squash.”



“And for you sir?” The waiter looked at the man expectantly.



“I’ll have the pan seared Ahi tuna. And can you bring us some rolls?”



Lokke snickered. “Bread and fishes? How cliché!”



The man sipped his wine. “Didn’t someone sew your mouth shut?”



Loki finished his glass in one drink. “Didn’t someone crucify you?”



The man tipped his glass at Lokke. “Touche’ “



He leaned in, and stared into Lokke’s eyes.



“I SAID, I’M NOT GAY! JESUS CHRIST, MAN, TAKE A HINT!” The entire restaurant swiveled their heads towards the back in one well orchestrated motion. The theater was open for business.



The man laughed and so did Lokke. Story was now deep into her cups, and wondered what the hell was so funny.



Loki and the man hugged, laughing still.



The man dabbed at his eyes, his laughter fading. “I see you’re trying the something new. A body. It…well, it suits you I suppose.”



Lokke nodded. “Yeah, I figured I’d try the whole ‘take over the the body of a mortal to bring rebirth to the world’ thing this time.”



The man looked unimpressed. “It’s been done.” He turned to Story. “I found, from my own experiences, that having partners can be a great way to end up high and dry. And dead.”



She stuck her tongue out at him. “Don’t think I haven’t tried.”



Lokke poured the man another glass. “How IS Judas these days?”



The man ignored him and turned to story. “ You see that man over there?”



Loki piped in loudly. “Yeah, that fat one, over there. HEY BUDDY, SEA WORLD CALLED. THEY NEED YOU BACK IN AN HOUR!”



Story laughed, and the man continued. “That’s Buddha.”



“What about that guy over there?” Story pointed at an Arab man dining across the room.



“HEY, LOOK EVERYBODY! OSAMA IS LOOSE! GIT ‘EM CLETUS!” Lokke laughed louder.



The man cleared his throat. “Allah.”



“And him?” She pointed at a Richard Gere- wannabe with an eyepatch, sitting near the door.



Loki failed to offend. “That man? That man is my brother.”

Would you read this?
Wow, I liked it! It definitely got my attention, and I would be interested in reading the finished work. Good premise for a book. Why did you choose those particular names for the characters? (Muses are typically considered to be female, but I think it's a nice twist.)



There were just a few minor things that would need changing though.. here are two examples..



"Story, despite her anger, was offended." Having "despite" in there doesn't quite make sense. It would be appropriate if she, for example, laughed despite her anger. It has to be two things in opposition to each other. Being offended and angry are both negative emotions.



There was at least one instance of using a present tense verb whereas most of it is in past tense. Make sure you're consistent in this regard.



I do part-time work as a proofreader in a College town, where I guarantee my clients to be improved at least one letter grade. I won't write for them, I simply make it sound better. I have considered doing this for writers who wish to be published as well, but I'm unsure of how to go about this. Write me if you might be interested, and I'll send you a rewritten sample paragraph. Anyone who reads this is also welcome to contact me about this.